I really didn't need to know that...

A couple of weeks ago my phone bleeped with a new email. I had a new message from Plenty of Fish! I got to the nearest computer to see what sort of winner found my profile...

"I just farted really loud and HAD to tell someone."

So glad you thought of me. Thanks.

A Little Clarification

It seems that I have more readers than I thought (this is based on the number of comments I've recently received) and they are as opinionated as I am! I'm all for sharing opinions as long as it stays nice and doesn't get nasty. For readers new to LMV, I feel I should clarify a few things:

Just because I have a Plenty of Fish profile does not mean I expect to meet that special someone on Plenty of Fish. The fact that I've even come across a few seemingly decent men is an absolute surprise to me. I'd rather meet a good man the old-fashioned way - at church.

I realise I have a different set of standards than most people. I strongly believe that Christians are called to something higher than the rest of the world. I abstain as much as possible from certain things (I don't drink - ever, I don't do drugs, as the title of this blog would imply, I'm a virgin, I don't smoke, I don't swear). These are all things I find unbecoming to Christians. We will never win the world if we act exactly like the world. God called us to be set apart - I intend to live that life.

Despite these strong opinions, I'm not a prude. I like to have fun as much as the next person, but fun doesn't have to include alcohol, clubs or bars. I like going to pubs (their food is just so good!) on occasion, but I don't make a habit of it.

I don't think it's too much to ask that a man live up to these standards. I've met them. They do exist. So, rather than lower my standards, I'll keep waiting (just like I have been for 28 years).

Response to a Reader

I recently received the following comment on my post "Apparent Christianity" from an anonymous reader:

I listed myself as a Christian on my POF profile. I am a Christian, I believe in God and I accept Jesus as the son of God yes. But I don't live an incredibly Christian lifestyle Jordan. I am not a virgin, I support Gay rights, I am pro choice. I don't think it is fair of you to judge some one who says they are Christian vs. their hobbies and interests....

Love from, Successful POF User

To Successful POF User:

First of all, this blog is entirely my own opinion. I understand that many of my views are considered old-fashioned and, in many cases, socially unacceptable. While I don't live a perfect life, by giving myself a label of "Christian", I try to live a life worthy of the name and the call God has placed on my life. To be a Christian is to be Christ-like - promoting what He promotes and avoiding what He avoids. To live a life according to biblical principles is to live a life of abstinence before marriage, to promote life (at all stages - from conception to death) and to promote the sanctity of marriage (and romantic relationships).

Let's also remember that my "judgement" of these men is based entirely upon whether or not I think they are marriageable material - for me, no one else. I will not marry a man who spends his weekends drinking at the pub. I will not marry a man who thinks it's okay for two men or two women to marry. I will not marry a man who believes it is a woman's choice whether or not to kill her unborn child. These are standards I've set for myself and I do not expect that everyone will conform to them.

It is my opinion that, if someone gives them self the label of "Christian" that they should do everything in their power (with the help of God) to live a life worthy of that call. The world is lost because too many Christians are themselves lost. If a Christian is no different from the world, what is there to draw the unbelievers to the knowledge of Christ?

Lost the Catch

I thought I had a good one on my line when a gentleman sent me a message last week. He could write and spell and even appeared to have read my profile. I responded (not right away - didn't want to appear too eager), but he hasn't written back.

But that's okay, someone who is "looking for a woman with class" but posts photos of himself with skanks wants to meet me...

Apparent Christianity

Here's what the average Christian man on Plenty of Fish looks like:

- social drinker
- local pub regular
- womanizer
- Sunday morning sleeper
- potty mouth
- looking for casual dates or "friends"
- wine/beer enthusiast

Call me old-fashioned, but this doesn't look like a decent Christian man to me.

True story: I just read in a list of interests "18a cartoons" and "boobs LOL" from a guy claiming to be a Christian. If I was worried about finding a good man before... I think someone just flushed the toilet containing my last hope.

Hey, ur cute! Oh... That's NOT u?

Pet peeve of the week: main photos that clearly contain 3 or more people.

Plenty of Fish encourages all users to put a head shot as their main photo. In fact, you can report someone if they chose not to abide by this request. Sadly, many people do ignore this. It's not that you can't see a person's face, but it's that there are five or six other faces in the photo. You think you're communicating with the cute on the left, but he's really the dog in the middle.

So rather than misleading numerous women (and possibly men) by providing too many faces to choose from, buck up and put your own face on - and only your own face!

Dirty Filthy Pervert - Part 2

You're So Vain. You Probably Think This Blog is About You.

This fisher woman discovered something this week. When people say a picture is worth a thousand words, it's really true. Since rejoining the pond, I've had this photo posted as my profile picture. I've had a few bites, but not many and, honestly, I haven't really cared.

This is what my friends lovingly refer to as "The Facebook Face". The type of photo people put up on Facebook because they think it makes them look good. I use it because it amuses me, not because I think I'm sexy.


On a whim, I decided to put up a different photo. This one seems to attract a lot more attention. My blackberry has been a-buzz with notifications from Plenty of Fish.  "You have received an new message from..." and "So and so wants to meet you!"

Until now, I didn't really think it mattered all that much. Apparently it does. The part that really gets me is that I never really even liked this picture all that much. I was hot and sweaty when it was taken and I can't even remember what the heck I was laughing at (someone asked me that today). My nose is all scrunchy and one eye is half closed. At least my teeth are straight (thanks for paying for the braces, Mom).

I never claim to understand men, and probably never will. At least for now, it seems that there are a few more fish in the pond who are taking the bait.

You had me at Diet Coke

So, like, remember that post I wrote about that guy.  You know, that guy from Plenty of Fish?  Not Mr Male Model, no.  Not Baby Bowler.  Not Mr Therapy, but the other one.  Ev83.  Yeah, that's him...

I went back to check on his profile to verify some facts.  He's deleted it.  That's okay.  I'll have words with him about it later.  Perhaps after he's read this post.  (Ev, if you're reading this, I have some words for you.)

A PoF guy reads your post? you ask.  Yup.  But he was an eHarmony guy before he was a Plenty of Fish guy.  And I was an eHarmony girl long before I was a Plenty of Fish girl.  And I know he'll get around to reading this.  I guess he's as amused by my experiences as I am.

Ev and I were matched on eHarmony more than a year ago.  I probably wouldn't have contacted him at all if it weren't for his mention of two very specific things: Saskatchewan Roughriders and Diet Coke. We hit it off right away and I was delighted to find a match for my impressive wit and brilliant humour.  By April 1, we were ready to play the mother of all practical jokes.

I've never been one to really participate in April Fool's pranks, but Ev got me started and I offered to help him.  His plan was to create a fake engagement and post it all over Facebook.  This got my gears working and I offered to add some "realism" to his plot and he agreed to let me help.  At midnight, we made quick work of changing our status, pictures and profiles.  It wasn't long before congratulations came streaming in.  The photo of my hand adorned with a big, beautiful rock made it that much better.  I still have a congratulation card pinned to the bulletin board above my desk.  Sigh... that was a great day.  By the end of it we'd broken off the engagement with a two hour argument that will be forever known as epic.

Since then, we've remained good friends.  I made the trip out to see him and he to see me.  Conversation has never been found lacking and our computers aren't fast enough for all the music we try to trade.  The subject of dating hasn't really ever come up...  until lately.

I don't know what Ev's family and friends say about me, but mine tell me I should give the guy a chance.  So, when he finally got past his chicken-ness to ask me out last week, I said yes.  Of course, now we're left waiting until he can take a long weekend from work and can get here to take me out.  I get to pick what we do as long as they include a couple of his preferences.  I pick, he brings his wallet....  Mwahahahaha!

So Ev, here's your chance.  Don't screw it up.  Our last fight was just so draining, I don't know if I can do it all over again.  And if friends is all we're ever meant to be, friends we'll be.  From the start, it's been wild - don't let me down (Hmm... maybe I should listen to that song...).

Good golly, it's Marlon Brando back from the dead!

Now, most people know Marlon Brando from The Godfather.  Never having seen any of the Godfather movies, my memories of the brilliant actor come from a different genre of film entirely.  I will take no arguments from anyone when I say that his best film was Guys and Dolls.  In fact, there are many Brando fans who skip this film entirely.  Brando with Sinatra in a musical?  He's lost his manhood!  Ack!  Never!  It takes a man's man to remain manly in a movie rife with song and dance.

Why the sudden Brando rant, you ask?  Well, my #1 match of the morning could be mistaken as a close relation.  The cigar tucked into his headgear is reminiscent of Sky Masterson.

Ah, Marlon in a three-piece, wing-tips and fedora.  If I could have any man, that's who he'd be.  Who cares if he runs a crap game in the sewers?  Any man who takes a girl to a Havana cantina on a first date gets a thumbs up from yours truly.  He married a goody two-shoes Salvation Army officer, didn't he?  I am the 21st century version of Sergeant Sarah Brown.

If only 2sweet99 were Marlon (a.k.a. Sky Masterson). I'd have already been swept off my feet.

I'm looking for someone sweet, not a sugar daddy.

In what universe would I ever be interested in a 58 year-old divorced Jew with kids over the age of 18?  (Not that I have anything in general against 58 year-olds, divorcees, Jews or kids over the age of 18 - I am, after all, a kid over the age of 18.)  I'm just not looking for those qualities in a future mate.

Mr Old-Enough-To-Be-My-Father is apparently a film producer (imdb.com has his last film listed for 2003 - so I assume that he's an out of work film producer or has only made movies so bad they failed to be credited).  He's also a "bissness" man.  Everything a woman could want & then some! (His words, not mine.)

**shudder**  Wait...  **shudder**

I fail to recall entering "looking for a golf buddy for my father" in my profile.  Perhaps I should double-check.  I would have assumed that this guy was woefully mislead if it weren't for the fact that he himself stated in his profile that he is looking for a woman under 30.

Wait for it... **shudder**

He brags about owning a house not only in L.A., but also one in San Diego (both locations spelled incorrectly).  I couldn't care less that he owns a couple of houses in California.  He's only in my area for six months.  Makes me wonder what he's actually looking for.

I admit that I'm a pretty sweet girl, but I'm not the arm candy kind.  I'd like to consider myself more of a nice, big mug of rich hot chocolate topped with a million mini marshmallows.

Looks like this guy was mis-informed as to the location of the Playboy mansion.

Finally! Someone with some brains!

Ev83 found me this weekend.  And, man, am I glad he did!  Ooh boy, this guy's got it ALL going for himself.

Ev83 has a thing for monster truck rallies and collects hot dog wrappers from all his favourite arenas in addition to photos of himself dwarfed by giagantic tires.  And is *THIS* close to filling his second scrapbook.

Ev83 is nearly fluent in Klingon (sigh) and wishes to wed in a traditional Klingon ceremony.  How sexy is that?

And most attractive of all, Ev83 wants to spend his honeymoon in Cotswolds, England to participate in their annual cheese rolling race.

Could a man be any more perfect for me?

Baby Bowler

I always find it a little strange when I get a message from someone whose profile I've browsed and then proceeded to ignore.  This makes me wonder if I should be blocking more people than I already have.

Baby Bowler* sent me a message the other day.  Upon viewing his profile, I distinctly recall discussing with a co-worker his passion for bowling.  I'd seen it before.  Don't get me wrong, I enjoy bowling as much as the next person, but no so much as to make a point to mention it in my profile more than once (if at all).  I came, I saw, I moved on (without sending any communication).

This guy had enough sense to post a picture, however, it strangely reminds me of one of my nephews circa age 1 1/2 wearing grandpa's giant sunglasses.  Some guys with baby faces are still cute in a grown up sort of way.  I'm not looking for cute in a want to pinch your cheeks sort of way.  May I suggest, Mr Baby Bowler than you find a more flattering picture, one that makes you look at least half your age?

*name changed to protect the innocent

If your Dumb .. dont bother...

$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$


NO CRACKHEADS!!!!!!!! NO JUNKIES !! NOR BABYMAMA DRAMA !!NO CRACKHEADS!!!!!!!! NO JUNKIES !! NOR BABYMAMA DRAMA !!NO CRACKHEADS!!!!!!!! NO JUNKIES !! NOR BABYMAMA DRAMA !!NO CRACKHEADS!!!!!!!! NO JUNKIES !! NOR BABYMAMA DRAMA !!NO CRACKHEADS!!!!!!!! NO JUNKIES !! NOR BABYMAMA DRAMA !!NO CRACKHEADS!!!!!!!! NO JUNKIES !! NOR BABYMAMA DRAMA !!NO CRACKHEADS!!!!!!!! NO JUNKIES !! NOR BABYMAMA DRAMA !! HAVE A NICE DAY ! =)


$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$

I tried to be nice today.  The above "About Me" is taken from my #1 match of the day.  I couldn't help it.  Oh, the atrocities that abound!  I sent this gentleman (and I use that term only to describe his gender) a note politely stating that, if he were truly seeking intelligent women, perhaps he should avail himself to spell check and perhaps adjust his profile.  I also asked if his profile entry actually worked for him.

"LOL ...opps!! i didnt kno you were part of the "Plenty Of Fish Police" !!!"

So much for being nice.

"and by the way...yup it does work for me. its seperates the dirties that i dont want messaging me!"

He gets positive responses to that? Somehow this has not renewed my faith in my own gender, nor the opposite.  At least he took my suggestion and changed his one-liner immediately.  "If you're dumb, don't bother."

One down, untold millions left to go.

Do I look like a heathen to you?

Mark330xi says "ur beautiful".  (First off, I didn't realize I could get instant messages on Plenty of Fish.)  At least he got one of three words spelled right.  Punctuation leaves something to be desired. 

Mark/Menosh (don't know which is his real name) sent me a message the other day saying he like my well-written profile.  He loves my pretty smile and would love to get to know me.  Yup.  Mm hmm.  Today he sent me an IM asking if I liked what I read on his profile.  Sure, why not?  Seems like a half-decent guy and I told him so, but I don't see what we have in common and he promptly closed his IM window.

Mark/Menosh is 5'8" (taller than me, but still too short for my heels), divorced (been there, done that, not gonna do it again), drinks socially (you know I don't really believe anyone who says that), likes weekend getaways (I'm not leaving with any man on an overnight trip until my honeymoon), and on a first date would go for drinks on an outdoor patio (as opposed to an indoor patio).

"Beauty is only skin deep - persoanlity and substance is the key."  I don't even know what to say to that.  This guy messaged me because he thinks I'm cute (must look like a dog on the inside if beauty is only skin deep), thinks personality (at least I'm assume that's what he means) and substance are key, yet didn't really read my profile (well, maybe he did and chose to ignore several important points).

And here comes my rant:

Guys - girls who don't drink aren't going to go for drinks on a first date. 

Just because you think I'm cute doesn't mean I'm going to think you're cute especially when my eyes are more drawn to the mess in your bathroom rather than your face (which, by the way, is too blurry for me to discern any details in your features).

If you don't want me to waste your time, don't waste mine.  Most people who feel the need to express their religious status (whether it be Christian, Jewish, Sikh, Muslim or any other), aren't looking for people who aren't religious at all.  If you're not a Christian, I can tell you right now, anything else we may have in common is pretty much void - that is unless you're willing to convert (and by convert, I don't mean get sprinkled in the church so you can say you're a Christian, I mean, full out, Holy Ghost-filled, fire-baptized, gonna change the world convert).

I am never ceased to be amazed at the people in the world who do no recognise the great importance of faith in others.  Just because you don't care that I have faith doesn't mean that I don't care that you don't.  And let's be honest, if you like to spend your weekends at the pub, I'm gonna be a downer for you since I spent my weekends at church.

I know a therapist, here's his number.

I'm not educated to be a therapist.  I don't want to be educated to be a therapist.  I'm dealing with my own issues and would rather not try to deal with yours as well.

While I hope you are all open and truthful with me, there is a line and you've crossed it.  Go ahead and tell me you've been engaged before. I can deal with that.  People are in and out of relationships all the time, but don't give me the whole sob story about how she left you a month before the wedding and how you're still heart-broken over it and basically looking for a chick to rebound with.  I'm not that chick.

I feel for you, I really do (but it makes me wonder why she left in the first place).  However, I'm pretty much a clean slate when it comes to relationships.  I've dealt with some serious baggage in the past and know enough to know that I don't want to deal with it again.  You have obviously not been able to reconcile what's happened to you and really have no business pursuing me until you've found a way to deal with it.

With all of that being said, refrain from contacting any other poor, unsuspecting women, delete your Plenty of Fish profile and for goodness sake, please find a therapist before you even consider any semblance of a love life.

A Gentleman's Game

Gentlemen really do exist.  Well, at the very least, one does.  This is a good story with a not-so-happy ending.

The other day I was searching for blog fuel.  You know, the weird, wacky, creepy and just plain psycho people that can start a three paragraph rant on just about anything.  I found a few of those and did indeed blog.  But I also found a real winner.  And by winner I mean male model winner.  Not that he was my perfect match or anything, but, ooh baby!, break me off a piece of that!  I looked for any excuse to send him a message and it was he himself who actually presented it!  He mentioned something near the end of his profile about sending a message if a person had bothered to read that far.  Well then!  I sent a note commending him on a well-written and thought out profile.  It's not a literary masterpiece by any means, but it kept my attention and amused me.  I wasn't really expecting much out of this one if anything, but, hey, I've got nothing to lose, right?

I sent said note on Wednesday.  Most guys respond within a few hours if they're going to respond at all.  Thursday went by and nothing.  I wasn't heartbroken by it, so I kept perusing profiles.  Today my phone buzzed wildly at me with several communications.  Wasn't I surprised to see one from Mr Male Model himself!  So I ran to my computer and logged in and there was a little un-opened envelope waiting just for me!  I swear I shivered in delight.

Dear Jordan
Thank you so much for your kind message and I apologise for being so late in replying. I've just read your profile and I have to say you are a rare and remarkable woman....not to mention quite beautiful. Unfortunately I've just come out of a long relationship and I'm at the stage of my life where I'm done with casual dating. I don't want to waste your time since I don't think we're very compatible.
Warmest Regards.

First thing I noticed was how obviously thought-out this guy is (or he is at least making use of a passing grade in high school English).  Second was the British spelling - Americans use a "z" in apologise.  He must also be a genius if he can so easily recognise the fact that I am not only rare, but remarkable....not to mention quite beautiful.  Though we really aren't at all compatible, I appreciate him taking the time to write a little note rather than just leaving me high and dry.  Sigh... If only we were compatible!


But for now, I still have hopes that there is a decent man somewhere out there for me.  Thank you, Mr Male Model for once again proving that gentlemen exist!

The Perfect First Date

I believe the following need little explanation.  These "first dates" are actually pulled from real profiles.  You tell me if you'd go out with these guys:

"i will go with a red rose, my heart, and kiss. iwill promise that i will love for ever, i will give my heart as a gift and i will kiss, if somebody accept me as a her lover."  (I'm not sure it's a good idea to tell a girl that you will love her forever when on your first date.  These things take time!)

"You'll just have to wait and see..."  (Could he be any less creative?  I'm not into top-secret first dates.  It's difficult enough to go on a first date without wondering if the guy is going to take you bungee jumping, kayaking or watersliding.)

"A first date would be dinner and drinks on a patio at Whiterock could you spot me a coulpe of bucks?"  (Yes, I always wanted to pay for a first date.  Who wants to go dutch when you can pay for the whole thing yourself?)

"thats simple i would probably just go out for a coffee or a couple of drinks. no sense in wasting time trying to go on a complex date when you dont even know the person. a first date is almost like a job interview. your both trying to determine if one is qualified for the other."  (At least this guy has the right mindset regarding first dates.  Why waste time and money on an elaborate date when you don't even know if you're going to go on another?)

"Rob a bank then fly off to somewhere exotic and bury a lot of the money in a mayonnaise jar somewhere in the sand then make a treasure map so we can find it later" (Now that's my idea of a first date!)

Then there is the endless list of boring (you wouldn't believe how many people actually put "coffee or drinks")...

"Am big on surprises so i won't tell you right now but i will make it memorable"

"go somewhere we can talk and have some fun"

"Well something fun i bet, something to break the ice.... :)"

"For a first date something simple like a coffee or a drink where we can talk and get to know one another."

This is what we're getting ladies.  A bunch of indecisive men who aren't willing to commit to anything.  Tell me again why I'm doing this?

holiday** : More than words

"She wore red, her hair flowed like water. I saw her smile and it shook my heart. Such beauty. It reminded me of a time long ago...."

Um... You're a poet and don't even know it or what?  This is part of a real profile from what I assume is a real person.  And that's not all - it keeps going and going and going.  I am reminded of a pink bunny...

Save the lyrics for a song and the poems for a love letter.  What ever this is and where ever it came from only tells me that you're not even creative enough to write your own profile or that you're so bland that you're embarassed to tell the world who you are and what you do.

This profile just gets lost in the abyss of random, wacky and the downright strange.  Not only will people stop reading after the first queer line, but they'll most likely begin searching for someone who's profile picture doesn't look like they're taking a leak.

Thank you holiday** for another lesson in how not to post a profile.  I appreciate your contribution!

U R PriT

First of all, look down.  See that thing on the desk in front of you with a bunch of letters on it?  Yeah, that's a keyboard and, believe it or not, it's got ALL the letters of the alphabet!  And, get this, those buttons actually work!  Yes, my friend, those little keys unlock the entire English language, but apparently your brain does not.

I can see by your profile that you have a post-secondary education, but I think you're lying.  Or maybe you're not, but I highly doubt that you made top grades in English.  (Hint: if you're trying to convince someone that you are intelligent, you need to learn to type, and spell.  A bit of proper grammar would go a long way, too.)

Here are some possible conclusions:  a) you're a moron b) you're a rocket scientist, but don't want me to feel inferior to your outrageous intelligence c) you're a big, fat liar.  No matter what you are, I'm not likely to respond to your profile or any message you may send me.  I don't go for morons, liars or those who dumb down their intelligence (though if you start spewing words that are too long to fit on one line, I'll most likely tune out).

Call me old school, but I refuse to learn texting shorthand just to score a date.