Monday, May 31, 2010

Creepy Creep

Remember Mr Therapy?  That guy whose fiance left him a month before the wedding?  That guy who felt the need to attempt to relay the entire story to me (even though much of it got lost in translation).  Yeah, that guy. 

In 10 days, he has sent me 14 communications.  I've responded to 5 of them.  Would you take that as an indication of interest on my part?  Everything I've sent has been short and to the point and not at all inviting of further communication.  So, like any sane person would do... he asked me out on Friday night.  I could truthfully tell him that I was booked through the weekend.  He now thinks I'm amazingly popular (rather than insanely busy).

So, I've tried to be nice and distant, but this guy doesn't seem to get the hint.  Time to let him down the hard way?  Block him?  Give him a virtual slap?  Or perhaps the link to this very blog so that he may be able to pick up a few handy pointers...

Thursday, May 27, 2010

If your Dumb .. dont bother...




I tried to be nice today.  The above "About Me" is taken from my #1 match of the day.  I couldn't help it.  Oh, the atrocities that abound!  I sent this gentleman (and I use that term only to describe his gender) a note politely stating that, if he were truly seeking intelligent women, perhaps he should avail himself to spell check and perhaps adjust his profile.  I also asked if his profile entry actually worked for him.

"LOL ...opps!! i didnt kno you were part of the "Plenty Of Fish Police" !!!"

So much for being nice.

"and by the way...yup it does work for me. its seperates the dirties that i dont want messaging me!"

He gets positive responses to that? Somehow this has not renewed my faith in my own gender, nor the opposite.  At least he took my suggestion and changed his one-liner immediately.  "If you're dumb, don't bother."

One down, untold millions left to go.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Do I look like a heathen to you?

Mark330xi says "ur beautiful".  (First off, I didn't realize I could get instant messages on Plenty of Fish.)  At least he got one of three words spelled right.  Punctuation leaves something to be desired. 

Mark/Menosh (don't know which is his real name) sent me a message the other day saying he like my well-written profile.  He loves my pretty smile and would love to get to know me.  Yup.  Mm hmm.  Today he sent me an IM asking if I liked what I read on his profile.  Sure, why not?  Seems like a half-decent guy and I told him so, but I don't see what we have in common and he promptly closed his IM window.

Mark/Menosh is 5'8" (taller than me, but still too short for my heels), divorced (been there, done that, not gonna do it again), drinks socially (you know I don't really believe anyone who says that), likes weekend getaways (I'm not leaving with any man on an overnight trip until my honeymoon), and on a first date would go for drinks on an outdoor patio (as opposed to an indoor patio).

"Beauty is only skin deep - persoanlity and substance is the key."  I don't even know what to say to that.  This guy messaged me because he thinks I'm cute (must look like a dog on the inside if beauty is only skin deep), thinks personality (at least I'm assume that's what he means) and substance are key, yet didn't really read my profile (well, maybe he did and chose to ignore several important points).

And here comes my rant:

Guys - girls who don't drink aren't going to go for drinks on a first date. 

Just because you think I'm cute doesn't mean I'm going to think you're cute especially when my eyes are more drawn to the mess in your bathroom rather than your face (which, by the way, is too blurry for me to discern any details in your features).

If you don't want me to waste your time, don't waste mine.  Most people who feel the need to express their religious status (whether it be Christian, Jewish, Sikh, Muslim or any other), aren't looking for people who aren't religious at all.  If you're not a Christian, I can tell you right now, anything else we may have in common is pretty much void - that is unless you're willing to convert (and by convert, I don't mean get sprinkled in the church so you can say you're a Christian, I mean, full out, Holy Ghost-filled, fire-baptized, gonna change the world convert).

I am never ceased to be amazed at the people in the world who do no recognise the great importance of faith in others.  Just because you don't care that I have faith doesn't mean that I don't care that you don't.  And let's be honest, if you like to spend your weekends at the pub, I'm gonna be a downer for you since I spent my weekends at church.

Monday, May 24, 2010

I know a therapist, here's his number.

I'm not educated to be a therapist.  I don't want to be educated to be a therapist.  I'm dealing with my own issues and would rather not try to deal with yours as well.

While I hope you are all open and truthful with me, there is a line and you've crossed it.  Go ahead and tell me you've been engaged before. I can deal with that.  People are in and out of relationships all the time, but don't give me the whole sob story about how she left you a month before the wedding and how you're still heart-broken over it and basically looking for a chick to rebound with.  I'm not that chick.

I feel for you, I really do (but it makes me wonder why she left in the first place).  However, I'm pretty much a clean slate when it comes to relationships.  I've dealt with some serious baggage in the past and know enough to know that I don't want to deal with it again.  You have obviously not been able to reconcile what's happened to you and really have no business pursuing me until you've found a way to deal with it.

With all of that being said, refrain from contacting any other poor, unsuspecting women, delete your Plenty of Fish profile and for goodness sake, please find a therapist before you even consider any semblance of a love life.

Friday, May 21, 2010

A Gentleman's Game

Gentlemen really do exist.  Well, at the very least, one does.  This is a good story with a not-so-happy ending.

The other day I was searching for blog fuel.  You know, the weird, wacky, creepy and just plain psycho people that can start a three paragraph rant on just about anything.  I found a few of those and did indeed blog.  But I also found a real winner.  And by winner I mean male model winner.  Not that he was my perfect match or anything, but, ooh baby!, break me off a piece of that!  I looked for any excuse to send him a message and it was he himself who actually presented it!  He mentioned something near the end of his profile about sending a message if a person had bothered to read that far.  Well then!  I sent a note commending him on a well-written and thought out profile.  It's not a literary masterpiece by any means, but it kept my attention and amused me.  I wasn't really expecting much out of this one if anything, but, hey, I've got nothing to lose, right?

I sent said note on Wednesday.  Most guys respond within a few hours if they're going to respond at all.  Thursday went by and nothing.  I wasn't heartbroken by it, so I kept perusing profiles.  Today my phone buzzed wildly at me with several communications.  Wasn't I surprised to see one from Mr Male Model himself!  So I ran to my computer and logged in and there was a little un-opened envelope waiting just for me!  I swear I shivered in delight.

Dear Jordan
Thank you so much for your kind message and I apologise for being so late in replying. I've just read your profile and I have to say you are a rare and remarkable woman....not to mention quite beautiful. Unfortunately I've just come out of a long relationship and I'm at the stage of my life where I'm done with casual dating. I don't want to waste your time since I don't think we're very compatible.
Warmest Regards.

First thing I noticed was how obviously thought-out this guy is (or he is at least making use of a passing grade in high school English).  Second was the British spelling - Americans use a "z" in apologise.  He must also be a genius if he can so easily recognise the fact that I am not only rare, but remarkable....not to mention quite beautiful.  Though we really aren't at all compatible, I appreciate him taking the time to write a little note rather than just leaving me high and dry.  Sigh... If only we were compatible!

But for now, I still have hopes that there is a decent man somewhere out there for me.  Thank you, Mr Male Model for once again proving that gentlemen exist!

Thursday, May 20, 2010

The Perfect First Date

I believe the following need little explanation.  These "first dates" are actually pulled from real profiles.  You tell me if you'd go out with these guys:

"i will go with a red rose, my heart, and kiss. iwill promise that i will love for ever, i will give my heart as a gift and i will kiss, if somebody accept me as a her lover."  (I'm not sure it's a good idea to tell a girl that you will love her forever when on your first date.  These things take time!)

"You'll just have to wait and see..."  (Could he be any less creative?  I'm not into top-secret first dates.  It's difficult enough to go on a first date without wondering if the guy is going to take you bungee jumping, kayaking or watersliding.)

"A first date would be dinner and drinks on a patio at Whiterock could you spot me a coulpe of bucks?"  (Yes, I always wanted to pay for a first date.  Who wants to go dutch when you can pay for the whole thing yourself?)

"thats simple i would probably just go out for a coffee or a couple of drinks. no sense in wasting time trying to go on a complex date when you dont even know the person. a first date is almost like a job interview. your both trying to determine if one is qualified for the other."  (At least this guy has the right mindset regarding first dates.  Why waste time and money on an elaborate date when you don't even know if you're going to go on another?)

"Rob a bank then fly off to somewhere exotic and bury a lot of the money in a mayonnaise jar somewhere in the sand then make a treasure map so we can find it later" (Now that's my idea of a first date!)

Then there is the endless list of boring (you wouldn't believe how many people actually put "coffee or drinks")...

"Am big on surprises so i won't tell you right now but i will make it memorable"

"go somewhere we can talk and have some fun"

"Well something fun i bet, something to break the ice.... :)"

"For a first date something simple like a coffee or a drink where we can talk and get to know one another."

This is what we're getting ladies.  A bunch of indecisive men who aren't willing to commit to anything.  Tell me again why I'm doing this?

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

I've Met My Match

On a whim, I decided to check out who Plenty of Fish matched me with.  I am not sure of how they make matches, or how they measure compatibility, but my #1 match is kwantis. A 25 year old Leo who's looking to talk/e-mail.  He's a student and would prefer not to mention his drinking habits (can you say alcoholic?). He's not at all religious, but has his own car (1 point to kwantis for owning a vehicle).

With phrases like "Dam you Freedom of speach" listed in his hobbies and "Deleat this profile" as one of his life goals, who wouldn't want to bring this guy home to meet the parents?  And how will he impress them you may ask?  "I'm 100 feet tall, I shoot lightning bolts out off my *ss."  I'm impressed.  How 'bout you?

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

I'd Rather Smoke A Joint

Every good Christian girl is looking for several things in a potential mate.  Is he a Christian?  Does he come from a good family?  Does he go to a decent church?  One question I'd never think to ask: would he rather smoke a joint?  Yeah, I'm as flabbergasted as you are.

Mr Zairois sent me quite the message this afternoon, "how are you doing Dear?" (I'm not your Dear.  Don't call me that.  But I'm flattered you'd think to capitalize it!)

When debating whether or not to respond to a communication, I check out the profile before I even read the message.  If I don't like what I see, I won't respond (but you'd better believe I'm going to blog about it later if I find it demeaning, amusing or downright absurd).

Zairois is 26 and stands no taller than I.  (I made an attempt today to try to explain to a friend why this is a problem with any man:  I, like any normal woman, love shoes.  Stilettos to be exact.  So, on any given day, while I stand only 5'5" barefoot, I clear 5'9" with my shoes on.  Been there, done that, would rather not tower over my man.  In my mind that's like an elf dating a hobbit.  I just can't picture it.)  He claims to be a Christian and his profession is "work" (good for you!).  Among his list of interests is wine, martinis, beer and pubs.  (I understand that the whole alcohol thing is a personal choice and everything, but I'm of the opinion that Christians shouldn't be the ones over-indulging, let alone advertising that's how they spend their free time.  But... I'll let it slide this time because, in the words of my brother, it just keeps gettin' gooder and gooder.)

Zairois is "Good man ,responsible, good listener,.....down to earth, Head on shoulders"  Glad to know he currently resides on planet earth and that his head is indeed on his shoulders (with most men, I'd say it's below the waist).

I like to spend my Sunday mornings at church.  Aside from the fact that I have numerous church-related commitments to fulfill on the Sabbath, even if I didn't, I think that church is a good habit for, well, anyone.  Zairois?  Not him.  He's got other plans for his holy day.

"One of my favourite things to do on a Sunday morning is to sit outside with a coffee and a joint!"

Yup, you read that right.  Coffee and a joint.  I wracked my brain trying to think of anything else the word "joint" could be referring to.  I drew a blank.  Asked some friends and still came up short (5'5" to be exact).  So, if you happen to know something I don't, please enlighten me, otherwise, Zairois is heading to my list of blocked users.

Coffee and a joint...

Monday, May 17, 2010

Where have all the real men gone?

Chivalry is nearly dead and it's women who've killed it.  At least that's what I've concluded.  How did I come to that conclusion, you may ask? Let me tell you.

Women these days are all about women's rights and equality.  "We're just as good as men are, if not better!"  Sure, I'm just as smart as the guy in the desk next to me, but while some women are all gung ho to take on men's tasks, they've ruined men for the rest of us.

Just because one women would rather spend time in and auto shop rather than a beauty shop doesn't mean every woman feels the same way.  I'd change the oil on my car if I had to, but so long as there's a man around to do it, why should I have to?  Yes, I can open a door for myself, but if there's a man around, I shouldn't have to.  I can start a conversation, but what happened to men making the first move?

Here's my issue:  I can send a communication to any number of guys and they may or may not respond, but I'm a little traditional and I'd rather be pursued rather than be the one having to make all the moves.  I'm a woman and I want to feel like one!  I dare you to try.

Here I am men, come and get me!

Thursday, May 13, 2010

The List

I think every girl has written one at some point in her life.  It is "The List".  A complete list of all the things she is looking for in a perfect man.  And that's exactly what this fictional character is: perfection.

I know women who think their mates are The List embodied.  It makes me believe that old saying about love being blind.  Ladies, no husband is everything on your list.  And don't try to convince me that your list had only five items or that your husband does indeed fulfill them all.

I myself even have a List.  I found it last week.  It was good for a laugh and that's about it.  It wasn't dated, so I'm not sure how old it is, but I also found stuck in the same notebook a printed photo of Karl Urban (from my Lord of the Rings days) which would date the book around 2002.  I was 19.  What did I know?  I'd just come out of a relationship with a guy 12 years my senior (who met maybe 2 points on my list - bad idea) and had no idea what I wanted out of life.  Heck, 8 years later, I'm still not entirely sure what I want out of life!

My List has some valid points - must be a Christian, must treat his mom well and some that no longer matter - must be Canadian, must musical (though this would still be nice, it's not neccessary).  While some were mere preferences at the time, so much has changed since it's initial creation.  My list has dwindled over the years.  Either I've become less picky with time or I've realized that all those tiny details aren't the ones that matter.

So, never fear all you men out there!  I'm no longer checking off "yes" or "no" on an infinite list of perfect qualities.  There are more important things in life than fulfilling The List.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

holiday** : More than words

"She wore red, her hair flowed like water. I saw her smile and it shook my heart. Such beauty. It reminded me of a time long ago...."

Um... You're a poet and don't even know it or what?  This is part of a real profile from what I assume is a real person.  And that's not all - it keeps going and going and going.  I am reminded of a pink bunny...

Save the lyrics for a song and the poems for a love letter.  What ever this is and where ever it came from only tells me that you're not even creative enough to write your own profile or that you're so bland that you're embarassed to tell the world who you are and what you do.

This profile just gets lost in the abyss of random, wacky and the downright strange.  Not only will people stop reading after the first queer line, but they'll most likely begin searching for someone who's profile picture doesn't look like they're taking a leak.

Thank you holiday** for another lesson in how not to post a profile.  I appreciate your contribution!

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Glory! Hallelujah!

There is at least one intelligent man on Plenty of Fish and he sent me a message.  Yes, ME!  After receiving a "Hey gorgeous, wanna go for coffee sometime?" from a 42 year old guy, I was beginning to question my own sanity in keeping my profile active and then this guy comes along.

The first thing he asked was about my tattoo.  Ask away!  I'll tell anyone about my tattoo (and in case you can't read it, it says "Send me" with scripture reference to Isaiah 6:8).  I find that most people who are proud of their tats are pretty open about them.  I am one such person.  Two years inked and I'm still proud... and off topic, apparently.

So he asks about my tattoo and I respond.  In the next message he tells me about his ink and asks how I came to Christ.  Now that is a good question!  Don't ask me out for coffee in your first message.  I'm most likely to ignore you completely.  I'm not out for a one night stand!  I want to get to know you a little bit before I put my life in your hands.  How am I to know you're not a dirty, filthy pervert?  Besides, if I went out for coffee with every random guy on Plenty of Fish who asked, I'd have a lot of dates and what is sure to be a trail of broken hearts behind me.  Yes, I am just that good.

So my faith in cyber-dating has been renewed for the time being.  Not all men are total losers or perverts!  Yay-hooray!

Saturday, May 8, 2010

So you think I'm cute...

Word of advice.  Don't send a girl an email just because you think she's cute.  I can't tell you how many messages I've had from men with whom I have absolutely nothing in common but the fact that we live in the same general vicinity.

I had a bite yesterday.  The first line, "hey beautiful, how it going?"  Aside from the lack of capital letters and proper spelling, there are several things wrong with this line.  I don't mind if you think I'm beautiful, but don't call me a pet name before you get to know me.  And, by the way, it going well.

The guy proceeds to ask me how long of been on PoF (Plenty of Fish - for those of you who are acronymically challenged). I tell him and then he asks if I have MSN and offers me his contact information. "ok, so wht would you say if i ask you to add me msn?" My response: "I'd wonder what you're hoping to get out of chatting after you've read my profile. Not that I don't want to chat, but I've had a lot of people want to chat and I can't figure out why..." And then I gave him my email address. He never added me to MSN and never sent another message.

Here's the problem when people pay attention to looks only.  I'm a good girl.  A church-going, Bible-studying missionary.  If you have a home brewery and spend your weekends at the pub, I can tell you right now that we are not compatible.  Sure, we may have good conversation and there could be the possibility that we enjoy each other's company, but let's be honest here, we're not really on this site looking for buddies.

I've come to the conclusion that most women who take part in online dating are looking for romance, someone to spend time with, someone to keep them company.  Most men are looking for something a little different and that doesn't usually spend endless evenings in a coffee shop talking.

While I believe that physical attraction can play an important role in the beginnings of a new relationship, to base your choices solely on looks just shows how shallow you really are.

Don't message me just because you think I'm cute.  You're not going to get into my pants with flattery.

Friday, May 7, 2010

U R PriT

First of all, look down.  See that thing on the desk in front of you with a bunch of letters on it?  Yeah, that's a keyboard and, believe it or not, it's got ALL the letters of the alphabet!  And, get this, those buttons actually work!  Yes, my friend, those little keys unlock the entire English language, but apparently your brain does not.

I can see by your profile that you have a post-secondary education, but I think you're lying.  Or maybe you're not, but I highly doubt that you made top grades in English.  (Hint: if you're trying to convince someone that you are intelligent, you need to learn to type, and spell.  A bit of proper grammar would go a long way, too.)

Here are some possible conclusions:  a) you're a moron b) you're a rocket scientist, but don't want me to feel inferior to your outrageous intelligence c) you're a big, fat liar.  No matter what you are, I'm not likely to respond to your profile or any message you may send me.  I don't go for morons, liars or those who dumb down their intelligence (though if you start spewing words that are too long to fit on one line, I'll most likely tune out).

Call me old school, but I refuse to learn texting shorthand just to score a date.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Snakes Aren't Sexy

Still no new bites, but I have a few tips for you men out there looking for us girls to nibble:

If you think wrapping a snake around your neck is going to get you a date, perhaps you should think again.  Brittany Spears is still feeling the repercussions for her little snake dance.  You're not helping her cause, nor are you helping your own cause.  Slowly removed the reptile from your shoulders and put it back in it's tank where it belongs.

I don't believe it when your profile says that you drink only occasionally when you have a beer in your hand in all eight pictures you've posted.  Either you drink more than you let on and don't want people thinking you're an alcoholic, you're trying to make yourself look super-cool by drinking on every continent or your friends need to put the cameras away when drinking.

Posting pictures of yourself entangled with a woman will not get you a new woman.  If she's your sister, cousin or mother perhaps you should a) take a step back so you look like relatives rather than lovers and b) add a caption.  You don't look so much alike that people just know you're relations.

Long, dark beard + long blond hair = bad idea.  Cut, shave or dye.

Is that speck on a snowy mountain really you? I can't tell. The blinding glare from the snow blacks out your eyes.  (If I can't see you, you won't be seeing me.)

If you want to try to convince me that you are actually Clint Eastwood, maybe try posting a picture that wasn't taken in 1972.  (I still won't believe you, though.)

Fish are a lot like snakes - most women aren't turned on by your weekend catch.  Slimy, wriggling fish are not sexy, even if your stunning smile is.

Hand your camera to a buddy, your web cam takes terrible pictures and you won't look as full of yourself as you do when you take pictures of yourself in the mirror with you iPhone.

I pray this helps.  Lord knows I could stand looking at some decent profile pictures...

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Not So Many Fish

There aren't as many fish in the sea as Plenty of Fish would like you to believe.  At least none that are biting.  I've learned that if I don't bite first, they won't bite back.

I made it through the weekend without a single communication received.  Mind you, I didn't send any out either.  Call me old fashioned, but I'd rather be pursued than the pursuer.  I've put myself "out there" by posting a profile.  Men should be flocking toward me (or my profile) and sending me messages left, right and centre!  Here I am world (of men), come to me!  Or not.

I did get a nibble by a 51 year old man.  Should I be flattered or disgusted?  I know I'm 27, but with an age difference like that, the word pedophile was one of the first to jump into my mind.  I'm more inclined to be flattered if a 23 year old male model from Spain views my profile.