Thursday, July 22, 2010

You Lost Him At Hello

Now, before you all go thinking that I totally messed up my date weekend, think again.  In fact, my title has nothing to do with the weekend.  Perhaps I'll discuss my weekend at a later date, then again, perhaps not.

No, this post is about a book.  "The Book", in fact.  There's a book that is being passed around my circle of friends.  The book is You Lost Him At Hello by Jess McCann.  While the theory of a self-help dating book is nothing new, I've never read one like this.  (Not that I've read many.)  After the first chapter, I'd already decided that I did not agree with most of the points contained within the binding.  After the second chapter, I was solid in my decision.  After the third, I decided I'd finish the thing for the sole purpose of argument.

The premise of the book is that dating is just like sales.  While I do believe that you must sell yourself (this is self-promotion, not selling-out) some what, I think that most sales people are full of it and can usually manage to B.S. their way through a deal.  I know a lot of sales people.  They're good at B.S.  I'm not sure that the dating scene is the right place for a load of crap. I mean, if you're looking to string along numerous partners, lead them on and play games, by all means, go ahead.

I took offense when the author claimed that, if a girl says she doesn't play games she: doesn't know how to play, is to lazy to play or doesn't have the discipline to play.  Notice the complete removal of the option for she really doesn't want to play

I'm not a player.  If you've been reading this blog at all, you know I'm not one to layer on facade after facade.  I'm not going to tell a guy one thing when I believe another.  Let's be honest, I'm not the kind of girl who is out looking for a good time.  I'm not going to date a different guy every weekend (I so don't meet that many guys).  I don't have a funnel to fill.

Fill a funnel? you ask.  Yes, fill the funnel.  The theory here is that every girl has a funnel and, in dating - like sales, it should always be full. A realtor is always working with multiple deals so that if one falls through, there's another on the table. The theory is that a girl should be stringing along several guys so that if one doesn't work out, she's got another. And this way she doesn't seem completely desperate because she's got other guys to fall back on.  Does this seem conniving and dishonest to anyone else?

Through my reading, I have to remind myself that this book is written by someone who does not hold the same set of standards as I, nor does she share my faith.  In fact, it seems that all she does is date, date, date.  My question is, if her practice works so well, why is she still single?  What happens if she finds someone she wants to spend the rest of her life with?  She's so used to dating multiple men, what makes her think that, when the time comes, she'll be able to commit to just one man?  While in theory, some of the points made in the book are valid, but as a whole, it is full of faults.

I'm a fan of I Kissed Dating Good-bye.  I'll stick with that.  Thanks Joshua Harris (at least he's happily married).

Thursday, June 24, 2010

You had me at Diet Coke

So, like, remember that post I wrote about that guy.  You know, that guy from Plenty of Fish?  Not Mr Male Model, no.  Not Baby Bowler.  Not Mr Therapy, but the other one.  Ev83.  Yeah, that's him...

I went back to check on his profile to verify some facts.  He's deleted it.  That's okay.  I'll have words with him about it later.  Perhaps after he's read this post.  (Ev, if you're reading this, I have some words for you.)

A PoF guy reads your post? you ask.  Yup.  But he was an eHarmony guy before he was a Plenty of Fish guy.  And I was an eHarmony girl long before I was a Plenty of Fish girl.  And I know he'll get around to reading this.  I guess he's as amused by my experiences as I am.

Ev and I were matched on eHarmony more than a year ago.  I probably wouldn't have contacted him at all if it weren't for his mention of two very specific things: Saskatchewan Roughriders and Diet Coke. We hit it off right away and I was delighted to find a match for my impressive wit and brilliant humour.  By April 1, we were ready to play the mother of all practical jokes.

I've never been one to really participate in April Fool's pranks, but Ev got me started and I offered to help him.  His plan was to create a fake engagement and post it all over Facebook.  This got my gears working and I offered to add some "realism" to his plot and he agreed to let me help.  At midnight, we made quick work of changing our status, pictures and profiles.  It wasn't long before congratulations came streaming in.  The photo of my hand adorned with a big, beautiful rock made it that much better.  I still have a congratulation card pinned to the bulletin board above my desk.  Sigh... that was a great day.  By the end of it we'd broken off the engagement with a two hour argument that will be forever known as epic.

Since then, we've remained good friends.  I made the trip out to see him and he to see me.  Conversation has never been found lacking and our computers aren't fast enough for all the music we try to trade.  The subject of dating hasn't really ever come up...  until lately.

I don't know what Ev's family and friends say about me, but mine tell me I should give the guy a chance.  So, when he finally got past his chicken-ness to ask me out last week, I said yes.  Of course, now we're left waiting until he can take a long weekend from work and can get here to take me out.  I get to pick what we do as long as they include a couple of his preferences.  I pick, he brings his wallet....  Mwahahahaha!

So Ev, here's your chance.  Don't screw it up.  Our last fight was just so draining, I don't know if I can do it all over again.  And if friends is all we're ever meant to be, friends we'll be.  From the start, it's been wild - don't let me down (Hmm... maybe I should listen to that song...).

Wednesday, June 23, 2010

Date Night!

Guess who had a date last night?  Me!  Hah!  I thoroughly enjoyed it.  Of course, I paid.  I drove.  But I was walked to the door... and then we both went in.

Now, before you all go thinking about what the heck kind of guy I went out with, let me set you straight.

The man I went on a date with last night has been the man in my life all my life.  Yes, all my life.  All 27 years 5 months and 2 days (and technically the 8 1/2 months prior to my birth).  I've been told he was quite a catch back in the day and dated ALL the girls in school.  He's kind and even sometimes considerate.  He's got a soft spot for his little girls (yup, he's got kids, 4 of them) and likes to hang out with his boy.  He loves his wife (Eek!  He's married to boot!) and even loves her mother.  He's not afraid of hard work, but still knows how to relax.

In case you are still wondering what I've gotten myself into... I took my daddy on a date last night.  For Father's Day, I gave him a date night.  We hadn't been to the theatre in what seems like forever.  Daddy and I have had a thing for Robin Hood for a long time.  We all know that, while Kevin Costner has played some memorable roles (Ray Kinsella, Billy Chapel and Frank Farmer), Robin Hood was not his forte.  (At least Cary Elwes had a British accent!)  That, however, has not stopped Daddy and I from watching Prince of Thieves over and over and over again.  When I heard that Ridley Scott was teaming up with Russell Crowe (also paired for Gladiator), to create a new Robin Hood, I was all over that!  Despite mixed reviews, Russell can do no wrong and he did not disappoint me this time.  Daddy and I had a great evening watching a great movie.

My next date with a guy will not involve a relative (and, yes, I'm sure of that).

Thursday, June 10, 2010

Hold it together, man!

I have been amusing even myself over the past weeks as I relay my tales to whoever is out there in cyberspace reading my entries.

Today, though, I have been slightly deeper in thought, especially after a conversation with a good friend.

I've noticed over and over and over again certain attributes as I peruse countless profiles.  I cannot tell you how many divorcees I've come across.  Some, even, who are merely separated.  (As far as I'm concerned, if you're still legally married, you have no business pursuing someone else.)  And many who are listed as single with kids.  The simplest way to describe how I feel about it it sad.

It makes me sad to see that so many marriages have not made it.  It makes me sad to see that so many people seem flippant about the fact that their kids are being raise in single-parent homes.  It makes me sad that relationships that are meant to last forever last only a few years.

To be 29 and divorced?  I don't get that.  Perhaps because of the way I was raised, I have some different ideas when it comes to relationships and especially marriage.  When I see someone divorced at age 29, the only thing I can think of is that they didn't try.  "Irreconcilable differences" is not a reason to end a marriage, it's an excuse for laziness.  Any couple who really wants to make a marriage work, will make it work.

Now, I'm not married, but I'd like to think I've gleaned some valuable information from watching the people around me.  In my mind the #1 reason for divorce in North America is lack of communication.  Once the initial romance wears off (and it does, but I don't think it has to) you get two people who don't really seem to know each other and don't really know how to communicate with each other.  In many cases, they've fallen in love with what the other person wanted them to fall in love with.  When that feeling of being in love wears off, they discover that the feeling is what they've based their relationship on.  This is decision time.  In too many cases, a couple will decide that they don't love each other any more and go their separate ways.   The brave minority will make the choice to stay in love or fall in love all over again.

I think this is where a lasting marriage is made - at the time the decision is made that two people are going to stick it out no matter what.  When you remove the option of divorce, you are left with years of hard work ahead of you that will ultimately pay off in a lasting and loving marriage.  (That's not to say that the hard work never ends, though.)  The couples who have spent years communicating, working and compromising together are the ones that are happy, not the single person who has a trail of ex-spouses and who knows how many children in their wake.

Should I find someone I'm willing to spend the rest of my life with, I may be bringing a whole load of opinions, craziness and shoes, but I'm not towing a trailer of old lovers and small children that will no doubt be the end of all future relationships.  I'm a forever kind of deal.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

What does "missionary" mean... to you?

Way back when I was much, much younger than I am now, I had the opportunity to spend some time at Wanaskewin Heritage Park in Saskatchewan.  Back in the day (and maybe still to this day) the tour started with a lighted, narrated diorama that guided the viewer through the history of the site as well as the history of the Cree Nation of the area.  I had the pleasure, nay, the joy of seeing this demonstration, not once, but twice!  Yes, twice!  While many took that time in the dark theatre to catch up on much needed rest, I watched in anticipation wondering what waxy sculpture would be shone upon next.

Over the years, much of the content of the presentation has been lost amidst many other useless facts in the back of my mind, but there are a few words that come back to haunt me over and over... and over and over...  (whispered in a creepy voice) "What does Wanaskewin mean (insert pause here for effect) to you?"  (Google that if you're really curious.)

Now I imagine that you've become curious and are wondering about the reasoning behind my little bit of culture.

I was recently reminded of that haunting little phrase and found the way of questioning relevant.  Not that Plenty of Fish and Wanaskewin have anything to do with each other even in the smallest sense, but it's all in the title.

I wonder what "missionary" means to most people.  In the traditional sense, I see missionary and think prim and proper and often frumpy (when it comes to women).  So, this afternoon I was yet again surprised (though by now I don't believe I ought to be) when pro_man decided to send me an instant message.  After an initial greeting, out of the blue, he says, "I'm a virgin."  Good for you.  "looking to loose it."  Wow.  Thanks for sharing.  My response, "Good luck with that.  I can't help you."  His response, "thanks anyways" (?!?).  Thanks for what?  For refusing to drop my pants at a "pick-up line" (if you can even call it that) that the guy doesn't even have the decency to disguise behind something witty or sexy.

And... wait for it... my now official PoF mantra:  Dirty, Filthy Pervert!

Good golly, it's Marlon Brando back from the dead!

Now, most people know Marlon Brando from The Godfather.  Never having seen any of the Godfather movies, my memories of the brilliant actor come from a different genre of film entirely.  I will take no arguments from anyone when I say that his best film was Guys and Dolls.  In fact, there are many Brando fans who skip this film entirely.  Brando with Sinatra in a musical?  He's lost his manhood!  Ack!  Never!  It takes a man's man to remain manly in a movie rife with song and dance.

Why the sudden Brando rant, you ask?  Well, my #1 match of the morning could be mistaken as a close relation.  The cigar tucked into his headgear is reminiscent of Sky Masterson.

Ah, Marlon in a three-piece, wing-tips and fedora.  If I could have any man, that's who he'd be.  Who cares if he runs a crap game in the sewers?  Any man who takes a girl to a Havana cantina on a first date gets a thumbs up from yours truly.  He married a goody two-shoes Salvation Army officer, didn't he?  I am the 21st century version of Sergeant Sarah Brown.

If only 2sweet99 were Marlon (a.k.a. Sky Masterson). I'd have already been swept off my feet.

Monday, June 7, 2010

I'm looking for someone sweet, not a sugar daddy.

In what universe would I ever be interested in a 58 year-old divorced Jew with kids over the age of 18?  (Not that I have anything in general against 58 year-olds, divorcees, Jews or kids over the age of 18 - I am, after all, a kid over the age of 18.)  I'm just not looking for those qualities in a future mate.

Mr Old-Enough-To-Be-My-Father is apparently a film producer ( has his last film listed for 2003 - so I assume that he's an out of work film producer or has only made movies so bad they failed to be credited).  He's also a "bissness" man.  Everything a woman could want & then some! (His words, not mine.)

**shudder**  Wait...  **shudder**

I fail to recall entering "looking for a golf buddy for my father" in my profile.  Perhaps I should double-check.  I would have assumed that this guy was woefully mislead if it weren't for the fact that he himself stated in his profile that he is looking for a woman under 30.

Wait for it... **shudder**

He brags about owning a house not only in L.A., but also one in San Diego (both locations spelled incorrectly).  I couldn't care less that he owns a couple of houses in California.  He's only in my area for six months.  Makes me wonder what he's actually looking for.

I admit that I'm a pretty sweet girl, but I'm not the arm candy kind.  I'd like to consider myself more of a nice, big mug of rich hot chocolate topped with a million mini marshmallows.

Looks like this guy was mis-informed as to the location of the Playboy mansion.

Finally! Someone with some brains!

Ev83 found me this weekend.  And, man, am I glad he did!  Ooh boy, this guy's got it ALL going for himself.

Ev83 has a thing for monster truck rallies and collects hot dog wrappers from all his favourite arenas in addition to photos of himself dwarfed by giagantic tires.  And is *THIS* close to filling his second scrapbook.

Ev83 is nearly fluent in Klingon (sigh) and wishes to wed in a traditional Klingon ceremony.  How sexy is that?

And most attractive of all, Ev83 wants to spend his honeymoon in Cotswolds, England to participate in their annual cheese rolling race.

Could a man be any more perfect for me?

Thursday, June 3, 2010

Baby Bowler

I always find it a little strange when I get a message from someone whose profile I've browsed and then proceeded to ignore.  This makes me wonder if I should be blocking more people than I already have.

Baby Bowler* sent me a message the other day.  Upon viewing his profile, I distinctly recall discussing with a co-worker his passion for bowling.  I'd seen it before.  Don't get me wrong, I enjoy bowling as much as the next person, but no so much as to make a point to mention it in my profile more than once (if at all).  I came, I saw, I moved on (without sending any communication).

This guy had enough sense to post a picture, however, it strangely reminds me of one of my nephews circa age 1 1/2 wearing grandpa's giant sunglasses.  Some guys with baby faces are still cute in a grown up sort of way.  I'm not looking for cute in a want to pinch your cheeks sort of way.  May I suggest, Mr Baby Bowler than you find a more flattering picture, one that makes you look at least half your age?

*name changed to protect the innocent

Monday, May 31, 2010

Creepy Creep

Remember Mr Therapy?  That guy whose fiance left him a month before the wedding?  That guy who felt the need to attempt to relay the entire story to me (even though much of it got lost in translation).  Yeah, that guy. 

In 10 days, he has sent me 14 communications.  I've responded to 5 of them.  Would you take that as an indication of interest on my part?  Everything I've sent has been short and to the point and not at all inviting of further communication.  So, like any sane person would do... he asked me out on Friday night.  I could truthfully tell him that I was booked through the weekend.  He now thinks I'm amazingly popular (rather than insanely busy).

So, I've tried to be nice and distant, but this guy doesn't seem to get the hint.  Time to let him down the hard way?  Block him?  Give him a virtual slap?  Or perhaps the link to this very blog so that he may be able to pick up a few handy pointers...

Thursday, May 27, 2010

If your Dumb .. dont bother...




I tried to be nice today.  The above "About Me" is taken from my #1 match of the day.  I couldn't help it.  Oh, the atrocities that abound!  I sent this gentleman (and I use that term only to describe his gender) a note politely stating that, if he were truly seeking intelligent women, perhaps he should avail himself to spell check and perhaps adjust his profile.  I also asked if his profile entry actually worked for him.

"LOL ...opps!! i didnt kno you were part of the "Plenty Of Fish Police" !!!"

So much for being nice.

"and by the way...yup it does work for me. its seperates the dirties that i dont want messaging me!"

He gets positive responses to that? Somehow this has not renewed my faith in my own gender, nor the opposite.  At least he took my suggestion and changed his one-liner immediately.  "If you're dumb, don't bother."

One down, untold millions left to go.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

Do I look like a heathen to you?

Mark330xi says "ur beautiful".  (First off, I didn't realize I could get instant messages on Plenty of Fish.)  At least he got one of three words spelled right.  Punctuation leaves something to be desired. 

Mark/Menosh (don't know which is his real name) sent me a message the other day saying he like my well-written profile.  He loves my pretty smile and would love to get to know me.  Yup.  Mm hmm.  Today he sent me an IM asking if I liked what I read on his profile.  Sure, why not?  Seems like a half-decent guy and I told him so, but I don't see what we have in common and he promptly closed his IM window.

Mark/Menosh is 5'8" (taller than me, but still too short for my heels), divorced (been there, done that, not gonna do it again), drinks socially (you know I don't really believe anyone who says that), likes weekend getaways (I'm not leaving with any man on an overnight trip until my honeymoon), and on a first date would go for drinks on an outdoor patio (as opposed to an indoor patio).

"Beauty is only skin deep - persoanlity and substance is the key."  I don't even know what to say to that.  This guy messaged me because he thinks I'm cute (must look like a dog on the inside if beauty is only skin deep), thinks personality (at least I'm assume that's what he means) and substance are key, yet didn't really read my profile (well, maybe he did and chose to ignore several important points).

And here comes my rant:

Guys - girls who don't drink aren't going to go for drinks on a first date. 

Just because you think I'm cute doesn't mean I'm going to think you're cute especially when my eyes are more drawn to the mess in your bathroom rather than your face (which, by the way, is too blurry for me to discern any details in your features).

If you don't want me to waste your time, don't waste mine.  Most people who feel the need to express their religious status (whether it be Christian, Jewish, Sikh, Muslim or any other), aren't looking for people who aren't religious at all.  If you're not a Christian, I can tell you right now, anything else we may have in common is pretty much void - that is unless you're willing to convert (and by convert, I don't mean get sprinkled in the church so you can say you're a Christian, I mean, full out, Holy Ghost-filled, fire-baptized, gonna change the world convert).

I am never ceased to be amazed at the people in the world who do no recognise the great importance of faith in others.  Just because you don't care that I have faith doesn't mean that I don't care that you don't.  And let's be honest, if you like to spend your weekends at the pub, I'm gonna be a downer for you since I spent my weekends at church.

Monday, May 24, 2010

I know a therapist, here's his number.

I'm not educated to be a therapist.  I don't want to be educated to be a therapist.  I'm dealing with my own issues and would rather not try to deal with yours as well.

While I hope you are all open and truthful with me, there is a line and you've crossed it.  Go ahead and tell me you've been engaged before. I can deal with that.  People are in and out of relationships all the time, but don't give me the whole sob story about how she left you a month before the wedding and how you're still heart-broken over it and basically looking for a chick to rebound with.  I'm not that chick.

I feel for you, I really do (but it makes me wonder why she left in the first place).  However, I'm pretty much a clean slate when it comes to relationships.  I've dealt with some serious baggage in the past and know enough to know that I don't want to deal with it again.  You have obviously not been able to reconcile what's happened to you and really have no business pursuing me until you've found a way to deal with it.

With all of that being said, refrain from contacting any other poor, unsuspecting women, delete your Plenty of Fish profile and for goodness sake, please find a therapist before you even consider any semblance of a love life.

Friday, May 21, 2010

A Gentleman's Game

Gentlemen really do exist.  Well, at the very least, one does.  This is a good story with a not-so-happy ending.

The other day I was searching for blog fuel.  You know, the weird, wacky, creepy and just plain psycho people that can start a three paragraph rant on just about anything.  I found a few of those and did indeed blog.  But I also found a real winner.  And by winner I mean male model winner.  Not that he was my perfect match or anything, but, ooh baby!, break me off a piece of that!  I looked for any excuse to send him a message and it was he himself who actually presented it!  He mentioned something near the end of his profile about sending a message if a person had bothered to read that far.  Well then!  I sent a note commending him on a well-written and thought out profile.  It's not a literary masterpiece by any means, but it kept my attention and amused me.  I wasn't really expecting much out of this one if anything, but, hey, I've got nothing to lose, right?

I sent said note on Wednesday.  Most guys respond within a few hours if they're going to respond at all.  Thursday went by and nothing.  I wasn't heartbroken by it, so I kept perusing profiles.  Today my phone buzzed wildly at me with several communications.  Wasn't I surprised to see one from Mr Male Model himself!  So I ran to my computer and logged in and there was a little un-opened envelope waiting just for me!  I swear I shivered in delight.

Dear Jordan
Thank you so much for your kind message and I apologise for being so late in replying. I've just read your profile and I have to say you are a rare and remarkable woman....not to mention quite beautiful. Unfortunately I've just come out of a long relationship and I'm at the stage of my life where I'm done with casual dating. I don't want to waste your time since I don't think we're very compatible.
Warmest Regards.

First thing I noticed was how obviously thought-out this guy is (or he is at least making use of a passing grade in high school English).  Second was the British spelling - Americans use a "z" in apologise.  He must also be a genius if he can so easily recognise the fact that I am not only rare, but remarkable....not to mention quite beautiful.  Though we really aren't at all compatible, I appreciate him taking the time to write a little note rather than just leaving me high and dry.  Sigh... If only we were compatible!

But for now, I still have hopes that there is a decent man somewhere out there for me.  Thank you, Mr Male Model for once again proving that gentlemen exist!

Thursday, May 20, 2010

The Perfect First Date

I believe the following need little explanation.  These "first dates" are actually pulled from real profiles.  You tell me if you'd go out with these guys:

"i will go with a red rose, my heart, and kiss. iwill promise that i will love for ever, i will give my heart as a gift and i will kiss, if somebody accept me as a her lover."  (I'm not sure it's a good idea to tell a girl that you will love her forever when on your first date.  These things take time!)

"You'll just have to wait and see..."  (Could he be any less creative?  I'm not into top-secret first dates.  It's difficult enough to go on a first date without wondering if the guy is going to take you bungee jumping, kayaking or watersliding.)

"A first date would be dinner and drinks on a patio at Whiterock could you spot me a coulpe of bucks?"  (Yes, I always wanted to pay for a first date.  Who wants to go dutch when you can pay for the whole thing yourself?)

"thats simple i would probably just go out for a coffee or a couple of drinks. no sense in wasting time trying to go on a complex date when you dont even know the person. a first date is almost like a job interview. your both trying to determine if one is qualified for the other."  (At least this guy has the right mindset regarding first dates.  Why waste time and money on an elaborate date when you don't even know if you're going to go on another?)

"Rob a bank then fly off to somewhere exotic and bury a lot of the money in a mayonnaise jar somewhere in the sand then make a treasure map so we can find it later" (Now that's my idea of a first date!)

Then there is the endless list of boring (you wouldn't believe how many people actually put "coffee or drinks")...

"Am big on surprises so i won't tell you right now but i will make it memorable"

"go somewhere we can talk and have some fun"

"Well something fun i bet, something to break the ice.... :)"

"For a first date something simple like a coffee or a drink where we can talk and get to know one another."

This is what we're getting ladies.  A bunch of indecisive men who aren't willing to commit to anything.  Tell me again why I'm doing this?

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

I've Met My Match

On a whim, I decided to check out who Plenty of Fish matched me with.  I am not sure of how they make matches, or how they measure compatibility, but my #1 match is kwantis. A 25 year old Leo who's looking to talk/e-mail.  He's a student and would prefer not to mention his drinking habits (can you say alcoholic?). He's not at all religious, but has his own car (1 point to kwantis for owning a vehicle).

With phrases like "Dam you Freedom of speach" listed in his hobbies and "Deleat this profile" as one of his life goals, who wouldn't want to bring this guy home to meet the parents?  And how will he impress them you may ask?  "I'm 100 feet tall, I shoot lightning bolts out off my *ss."  I'm impressed.  How 'bout you?

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

I'd Rather Smoke A Joint

Every good Christian girl is looking for several things in a potential mate.  Is he a Christian?  Does he come from a good family?  Does he go to a decent church?  One question I'd never think to ask: would he rather smoke a joint?  Yeah, I'm as flabbergasted as you are.

Mr Zairois sent me quite the message this afternoon, "how are you doing Dear?" (I'm not your Dear.  Don't call me that.  But I'm flattered you'd think to capitalize it!)

When debating whether or not to respond to a communication, I check out the profile before I even read the message.  If I don't like what I see, I won't respond (but you'd better believe I'm going to blog about it later if I find it demeaning, amusing or downright absurd).

Zairois is 26 and stands no taller than I.  (I made an attempt today to try to explain to a friend why this is a problem with any man:  I, like any normal woman, love shoes.  Stilettos to be exact.  So, on any given day, while I stand only 5'5" barefoot, I clear 5'9" with my shoes on.  Been there, done that, would rather not tower over my man.  In my mind that's like an elf dating a hobbit.  I just can't picture it.)  He claims to be a Christian and his profession is "work" (good for you!).  Among his list of interests is wine, martinis, beer and pubs.  (I understand that the whole alcohol thing is a personal choice and everything, but I'm of the opinion that Christians shouldn't be the ones over-indulging, let alone advertising that's how they spend their free time.  But... I'll let it slide this time because, in the words of my brother, it just keeps gettin' gooder and gooder.)

Zairois is "Good man ,responsible, good listener,.....down to earth, Head on shoulders"  Glad to know he currently resides on planet earth and that his head is indeed on his shoulders (with most men, I'd say it's below the waist).

I like to spend my Sunday mornings at church.  Aside from the fact that I have numerous church-related commitments to fulfill on the Sabbath, even if I didn't, I think that church is a good habit for, well, anyone.  Zairois?  Not him.  He's got other plans for his holy day.

"One of my favourite things to do on a Sunday morning is to sit outside with a coffee and a joint!"

Yup, you read that right.  Coffee and a joint.  I wracked my brain trying to think of anything else the word "joint" could be referring to.  I drew a blank.  Asked some friends and still came up short (5'5" to be exact).  So, if you happen to know something I don't, please enlighten me, otherwise, Zairois is heading to my list of blocked users.

Coffee and a joint...

Monday, May 17, 2010

Where have all the real men gone?

Chivalry is nearly dead and it's women who've killed it.  At least that's what I've concluded.  How did I come to that conclusion, you may ask? Let me tell you.

Women these days are all about women's rights and equality.  "We're just as good as men are, if not better!"  Sure, I'm just as smart as the guy in the desk next to me, but while some women are all gung ho to take on men's tasks, they've ruined men for the rest of us.

Just because one women would rather spend time in and auto shop rather than a beauty shop doesn't mean every woman feels the same way.  I'd change the oil on my car if I had to, but so long as there's a man around to do it, why should I have to?  Yes, I can open a door for myself, but if there's a man around, I shouldn't have to.  I can start a conversation, but what happened to men making the first move?

Here's my issue:  I can send a communication to any number of guys and they may or may not respond, but I'm a little traditional and I'd rather be pursued rather than be the one having to make all the moves.  I'm a woman and I want to feel like one!  I dare you to try.

Here I am men, come and get me!

Thursday, May 13, 2010

The List

I think every girl has written one at some point in her life.  It is "The List".  A complete list of all the things she is looking for in a perfect man.  And that's exactly what this fictional character is: perfection.

I know women who think their mates are The List embodied.  It makes me believe that old saying about love being blind.  Ladies, no husband is everything on your list.  And don't try to convince me that your list had only five items or that your husband does indeed fulfill them all.

I myself even have a List.  I found it last week.  It was good for a laugh and that's about it.  It wasn't dated, so I'm not sure how old it is, but I also found stuck in the same notebook a printed photo of Karl Urban (from my Lord of the Rings days) which would date the book around 2002.  I was 19.  What did I know?  I'd just come out of a relationship with a guy 12 years my senior (who met maybe 2 points on my list - bad idea) and had no idea what I wanted out of life.  Heck, 8 years later, I'm still not entirely sure what I want out of life!

My List has some valid points - must be a Christian, must treat his mom well and some that no longer matter - must be Canadian, must musical (though this would still be nice, it's not neccessary).  While some were mere preferences at the time, so much has changed since it's initial creation.  My list has dwindled over the years.  Either I've become less picky with time or I've realized that all those tiny details aren't the ones that matter.

So, never fear all you men out there!  I'm no longer checking off "yes" or "no" on an infinite list of perfect qualities.  There are more important things in life than fulfilling The List.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

holiday** : More than words

"She wore red, her hair flowed like water. I saw her smile and it shook my heart. Such beauty. It reminded me of a time long ago...."

Um... You're a poet and don't even know it or what?  This is part of a real profile from what I assume is a real person.  And that's not all - it keeps going and going and going.  I am reminded of a pink bunny...

Save the lyrics for a song and the poems for a love letter.  What ever this is and where ever it came from only tells me that you're not even creative enough to write your own profile or that you're so bland that you're embarassed to tell the world who you are and what you do.

This profile just gets lost in the abyss of random, wacky and the downright strange.  Not only will people stop reading after the first queer line, but they'll most likely begin searching for someone who's profile picture doesn't look like they're taking a leak.

Thank you holiday** for another lesson in how not to post a profile.  I appreciate your contribution!

Sunday, May 9, 2010

Glory! Hallelujah!

There is at least one intelligent man on Plenty of Fish and he sent me a message.  Yes, ME!  After receiving a "Hey gorgeous, wanna go for coffee sometime?" from a 42 year old guy, I was beginning to question my own sanity in keeping my profile active and then this guy comes along.

The first thing he asked was about my tattoo.  Ask away!  I'll tell anyone about my tattoo (and in case you can't read it, it says "Send me" with scripture reference to Isaiah 6:8).  I find that most people who are proud of their tats are pretty open about them.  I am one such person.  Two years inked and I'm still proud... and off topic, apparently.

So he asks about my tattoo and I respond.  In the next message he tells me about his ink and asks how I came to Christ.  Now that is a good question!  Don't ask me out for coffee in your first message.  I'm most likely to ignore you completely.  I'm not out for a one night stand!  I want to get to know you a little bit before I put my life in your hands.  How am I to know you're not a dirty, filthy pervert?  Besides, if I went out for coffee with every random guy on Plenty of Fish who asked, I'd have a lot of dates and what is sure to be a trail of broken hearts behind me.  Yes, I am just that good.

So my faith in cyber-dating has been renewed for the time being.  Not all men are total losers or perverts!  Yay-hooray!

Saturday, May 8, 2010

So you think I'm cute...

Word of advice.  Don't send a girl an email just because you think she's cute.  I can't tell you how many messages I've had from men with whom I have absolutely nothing in common but the fact that we live in the same general vicinity.

I had a bite yesterday.  The first line, "hey beautiful, how it going?"  Aside from the lack of capital letters and proper spelling, there are several things wrong with this line.  I don't mind if you think I'm beautiful, but don't call me a pet name before you get to know me.  And, by the way, it going well.

The guy proceeds to ask me how long of been on PoF (Plenty of Fish - for those of you who are acronymically challenged). I tell him and then he asks if I have MSN and offers me his contact information. "ok, so wht would you say if i ask you to add me msn?" My response: "I'd wonder what you're hoping to get out of chatting after you've read my profile. Not that I don't want to chat, but I've had a lot of people want to chat and I can't figure out why..." And then I gave him my email address. He never added me to MSN and never sent another message.

Here's the problem when people pay attention to looks only.  I'm a good girl.  A church-going, Bible-studying missionary.  If you have a home brewery and spend your weekends at the pub, I can tell you right now that we are not compatible.  Sure, we may have good conversation and there could be the possibility that we enjoy each other's company, but let's be honest here, we're not really on this site looking for buddies.

I've come to the conclusion that most women who take part in online dating are looking for romance, someone to spend time with, someone to keep them company.  Most men are looking for something a little different and that doesn't usually spend endless evenings in a coffee shop talking.

While I believe that physical attraction can play an important role in the beginnings of a new relationship, to base your choices solely on looks just shows how shallow you really are.

Don't message me just because you think I'm cute.  You're not going to get into my pants with flattery.

Friday, May 7, 2010

U R PriT

First of all, look down.  See that thing on the desk in front of you with a bunch of letters on it?  Yeah, that's a keyboard and, believe it or not, it's got ALL the letters of the alphabet!  And, get this, those buttons actually work!  Yes, my friend, those little keys unlock the entire English language, but apparently your brain does not.

I can see by your profile that you have a post-secondary education, but I think you're lying.  Or maybe you're not, but I highly doubt that you made top grades in English.  (Hint: if you're trying to convince someone that you are intelligent, you need to learn to type, and spell.  A bit of proper grammar would go a long way, too.)

Here are some possible conclusions:  a) you're a moron b) you're a rocket scientist, but don't want me to feel inferior to your outrageous intelligence c) you're a big, fat liar.  No matter what you are, I'm not likely to respond to your profile or any message you may send me.  I don't go for morons, liars or those who dumb down their intelligence (though if you start spewing words that are too long to fit on one line, I'll most likely tune out).

Call me old school, but I refuse to learn texting shorthand just to score a date.

Wednesday, May 5, 2010

Snakes Aren't Sexy

Still no new bites, but I have a few tips for you men out there looking for us girls to nibble:

If you think wrapping a snake around your neck is going to get you a date, perhaps you should think again.  Brittany Spears is still feeling the repercussions for her little snake dance.  You're not helping her cause, nor are you helping your own cause.  Slowly removed the reptile from your shoulders and put it back in it's tank where it belongs.

I don't believe it when your profile says that you drink only occasionally when you have a beer in your hand in all eight pictures you've posted.  Either you drink more than you let on and don't want people thinking you're an alcoholic, you're trying to make yourself look super-cool by drinking on every continent or your friends need to put the cameras away when drinking.

Posting pictures of yourself entangled with a woman will not get you a new woman.  If she's your sister, cousin or mother perhaps you should a) take a step back so you look like relatives rather than lovers and b) add a caption.  You don't look so much alike that people just know you're relations.

Long, dark beard + long blond hair = bad idea.  Cut, shave or dye.

Is that speck on a snowy mountain really you? I can't tell. The blinding glare from the snow blacks out your eyes.  (If I can't see you, you won't be seeing me.)

If you want to try to convince me that you are actually Clint Eastwood, maybe try posting a picture that wasn't taken in 1972.  (I still won't believe you, though.)

Fish are a lot like snakes - most women aren't turned on by your weekend catch.  Slimy, wriggling fish are not sexy, even if your stunning smile is.

Hand your camera to a buddy, your web cam takes terrible pictures and you won't look as full of yourself as you do when you take pictures of yourself in the mirror with you iPhone.

I pray this helps.  Lord knows I could stand looking at some decent profile pictures...

Tuesday, May 4, 2010

Not So Many Fish

There aren't as many fish in the sea as Plenty of Fish would like you to believe.  At least none that are biting.  I've learned that if I don't bite first, they won't bite back.

I made it through the weekend without a single communication received.  Mind you, I didn't send any out either.  Call me old fashioned, but I'd rather be pursued than the pursuer.  I've put myself "out there" by posting a profile.  Men should be flocking toward me (or my profile) and sending me messages left, right and centre!  Here I am world (of men), come to me!  Or not.

I did get a nibble by a 51 year old man.  Should I be flattered or disgusted?  I know I'm 27, but with an age difference like that, the word pedophile was one of the first to jump into my mind.  I'm more inclined to be flattered if a 23 year old male model from Spain views my profile.

Thursday, April 29, 2010

Canda033 A.K.A. Dirty Filthy Pervert

I've only been fishing for two weeks. There may be plenty of fish out there, but there aren't too many good catches. I've tossed a few back already.

This week's major catch was Canda033. His profile looked alright. The picture not too bad. We messaged back and forth a few times and he wanted to instant message. I thought, why not? So I gave him my disposable email address and he immediately added me to his messenger. I ignored him for a while. Let him dangle a bit, right? Shortly after that, he sent me a Fish message asking me to sign on to messenger. Fiesty little bugger. So I gave in and signed on.

He got through the small talk in no time and kept insisting that we are the same. I wasn't sure how he came to that conclusion. He's a Middle Eastern man and me a Canadian woman. Can't get much different than that.

"This may surprise you, but I have not made love in more than six months." Ew! Why would you tell me that?

"I've never made love, so I'm not surprised." At first he didn't believe me and then it was his turn to be surprised. He again insisted that we are the same. I was still not getting the connection.

Mr. Canda033 proceeded to ask some rather personal questions which I either skirted around or ignored. I told him I had to go. He wanted me to stay and chat. I told him I had to get up early in the morning. He wanted me to start my web cam. He started his. Talk about one disappointment after another. It should be a law that, if you post pictures to a dating site, they should actually look like you. The real thing was NOTHING like the picture his profile flaunted. It was in that moment that I knew I'd never activate my camera. I told him again I needed to leave.

"But I want you to stay and chat. I want to excite you." Ew... you Dirty Filthy Pervert! (I've lost track of how many times that phrase has escaped my lips this week.) Given where the conversation had been, I had no doubt of where it was now headed and I wanted no part in it. I immediately closed the chat, blocked him and deleted him from my messenger. Before I could even block him from Plenty of Fish, he'd sent me a message wondering where I'd gone. Block. Delete.

I left my computer that evening feeling highly offended and deeply violated. Apparently, in a parallel universe, Good Little Christian Missionary is secret code for filthy whore. That's how I felt he'd treated me. A girl my age doesn't save her viriginity only to have some pervert online try to excite her. He did get me excited, but it had nothing to do with sex.. and a new blog was born.

So here's my warning to my fellow fisherwomen - watch out for Dirty Filthy Pervert... er... Canda033 (at least the username is something like that, I can't be sure)!

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

Little Miss Virgin

That's me. The virgin. The twenty-seven year old virgin. And, believe it or not, it's by choice.

Though online matching is nothing new to me, I've recently opened a new chapter of my forray into cyber-dating. I'm an eHarmony girl. Or, was until my subscription expired at the end of March. I'd been an eHarmony girl for three years. Three years!

EHarmony was my mom's idea. We were in the middle of planning my baby sister's wedding when my mom called me up at work one day. Valentine's day. I think she felt sorry for me. It was a good thing that my job required little to no effort and on that day, no attention at all. My mom took me through the entire online survey all the while telling me that this was a good thing and I was bound to meet my match. Well, I met a match. I met over five hundred matches. Or at least five hundred men were matched with me. Whether or not they wished to communicate with me was another story entirely.

The entries that are to follow are the stories I've collected over the last three years mixed in with the new stories I'm currently collecting. Gone are the days of deeply compatible matches. Plenty of Fish is my new domain. If you're a man within fifty kilometres of yours truly, you're a 97% match! Apparently gender and distance are the only things that really matter. Men and women are reduced to screennames including at least one capital letter and one numerical character. Why hello, MrCanada49! HotStuff1, I bet you're my match. But wait, Allthatandabagofchips89 just sent me a message. Maybe he's the one for me.

Join me if you will on an adventure and let's see if Little Miss Virgin really can find her match!